Mother under fire

Weekends with no money. Grrrr. Nothing worse than being stuck in the house all bloody week. Go for a walk I hear you say. Done that. What I need is a change of scenery, some travel to somewhere different. But again, no money.

Kids are scratchy, number two won't sleep. Number one won't behave. The simplest task like loading the dishwasher becomes a three stage mission.

Positives. Well I managed to get out for a session at the gym this morning. Only problem is when I had finished I found myself wanting to carry on enjoying my own company. I didn't want to go home just yet to the chaos I knew would be unfolding. And sure enough it was. Both kids came running to me to cling on for dear life when I came in the door. I know it should make me happy that they miss me, and on some level it does, but what irritates the shit out of me is that they are so damned dependant on me.

Prior to kids I was (well I still am really) the type of person who enjoys some time alone. Hubby would go hunting and I'd relish the chance to have a whole day to do what I wanted, at my own pace and how I liked without criticism or being rushed. Now. Well now I'm lucky if I get to go to the loo without interruption. Part of motherhood, I know. But some days it just drives me mad.

Even as I write this number two is grizzling from his bedroom, refusing to go to sleep for the umpteenth time. Ugh. Some days I can't wait for them to grow up even though I know they already are, way too fast.

I have a short temper today too. That doesn't help any. One little thing and I'm off the handle, yelling and swearing at the kids. Mummy monster is back. No. It doesn't make me proud that I do it. Hubby says 'why can't you just not do it?'. I wish it was that simple. I can see it coming, I know my temper is growing. But I honest to God can't control it. I literally snap like twig under pressure. I hate it. I hate knowing I do it and I hate being helpless to control it.
How do I avoid it? By avoiding stress. But guess what goes hand in hand with stress - motherhood. I am a mother, a nurse, a financial controller, a cleaner, a maid and a personal shopper. And every now and again I'm expected to do at least three of those things simultaneously. And I can't. No-one can. Yet every mother is expected to try. It's just how we handle that pressure that makes us different. And unfortunately for me I wasn't geared to handle that pressure. My genetics literally don't allow it.

I'm sitting here trying to type this out while hubby is in the garage working on his car. And where are the kids? At my feet. Why? Because where Mum is, they are. All a part of turning their world upside down and shifting country. They cling onto what they know.

Lucky for me, huh? Don't get me wrong. I love my kids so much I can't even put it into words. I would do anything to ensure they are safe and happy. Yet I still need time for me. I need time to recharge my batteries. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world because you never get a holiday. Somehow though it still doesn't stop you from showing up day after day.

Today just feels like a Monday, that's all.